So it's after midnight, and I'm wondering why it is so hard for me to be alone... I'm really not alone, I've got 3 dogs lying on my bed, but the side that my almost-ex-husband occupied for almost 22 years is vacant. He's been out of this bed for over a year and a half, so why is this still so difficult for me?
Let me start from kind of the beginning. I am the only daughter of immigrant parents. I was the "miracle baby" and I was my mom's little doll... But I was chubby, and never quite good enough, or whatever. Enough blaming my parents. They did the best they could. They gave me everything I could need or want. I was their jewel. I love them and I thank them for everything, especially my faith.
I am Roman Catholic. I take that very seriously. I wish I were able to be more 'un-religious' only to really fuck up, maybe live on the wild side, but that's just not me.
All the moments in my life where I think I wanted to do differently, I really wouldn't do differently. Maybe I wouldn't have had a particular hair style, but in terms of love, I wouldn't change a thing.
I've loved a few men, boys (whatever). I really loved the father of my children. Sadly, I don't think he really loved to be my husband. I think he loved me, just not being my husband. He longed for a life he couldn't have - one with liberties, and no one he had to rush home to. I wish he had been honest with himself. I wish he had been honest with me.
Are we really honest with ourselves? Do we know what we really want, or are we convinced that what we want is what we want because that's what we should have? I know I really want to be 'in love', preferably with someone real, not a fantasy.
Do you know what you want? Do you have what you want? What do you really NEED? Love? Affection? Care? Solitude? More? Less?
So, Here I go, cyberworld... forever wondering: Why Me?
